If a baby could talk

If a baby could talk

I am writing this article and voicing my concerns, as I know what can and does happen to a young child in a traumatic situation.

The practice of sending tiny tots to all-day nursery care is prevalent. As someone who was a Consultant Psychiatrist specialising in the treatment of unresolved traumas for very many years, it is my opinion that this can be detrimental for the emotional wellbeing of the children involved. Why. I will explain.

When I was a junior doctor working in a children’s ward, I observed the children in the ward. Young children cried, understandably, when they came into the ward. They were ill and at that time it was thought best( erroneously) that they should be left by their parents – that was the practice at the time. But, I noticed in virtually all the children that, after a short while, they stopped crying – even though they were still in physical distress of one kind or another. They became like little robots – it worried me.

I asked the senior nursing staff what had happened? I was told, ‘They are all the same. It always happens.’ My interest in the psychological reactions to trauma began at that time.

Small nurseries for the over two and a half year olds, for a few hours per day, two or three times per week to start with and building up to daily before starting school, with kind and gentle staff,  provide a very good system and help in the development of the child.

It is the effects – in the first two years of life – of full time nursery attendance in large nurseries that I am writing my concerns about.

Very young children do not know where they are or recognise faces or people – other than close family members or people who interact on a one to one basis. Ask even an intelligent four year old the names of the children in his/her class and you will get just a few names. Ask them the way to school – they do not know, unless it is just nearby where they live. Tiny tots – under two years, are unable to know where they are, who they are with in a strange place and have no concept of ‘the time when they will be collected to go home’. They have to accept, with no choice. They are lost and may well feel fear, no matter how kind the people are who are caring for them.

If they must be in nursery care, then one to one and continuity is needed – do they get this in a large nursery?

Add to that a possible cold, fever, teething problems, stomach pain, etc, which are very common in tiny children, and they have pain as well as fear. I understand that children are often taken to nurseries when unwell.

Separation from the mother or other familiar caring person causes distress and anxiety to a baby. What can they do? Cry. But, if the crying has no effect to rectify the situation eventually the crying stops – even though the distress may continue. What has happened?  I know now, after my years of study and work, that a young child has the ability to separate out from his/her emotions. The degree of separation depends on the degree of fear or pain. If this happens, even mildly, as a regular occurrence, then a pattern of behaviour is formed and, in future, at any sign of emotional or physical discomfort that pattern will be reactivated – in a now unconscious manner.

 The result is someone who cannot, on an unconscious level, form emotional attachment, and who may not be aware of their own or other emotional needs. In other words they easily, or maybe permanently, become detached from their feelings. This does not simply ‘go away’ when they become older – once adopted on an unconscious level it is not available to conscious alteration.

 Of course, all children are different and some may be affected less or more than most – some are more resilient by nature. How do you know how a child is going to react? At that age, it is impossible to know which child is going to be easily fearful or highly sensitive to pain – made worse by any fear.

I visited a country, I won’t say which, where young children are on the streets begging – it upset me greatly. Someone said to me, ‘Oh, don’t worry. Can’t you see their smiling faces?’ I did, but I also saw their empty eyes.

The young child cannot tell anyone and when they stop crying, how does anybody know?

I have written the following poem -  as if they could speak.

Conversations At The Nursery

 

‘Why are you here every day?’ 

‘Because mummy is unkind

She shouts and has been known

To hit my bare behind

I was crying, I had tummy ache

I couldn’t bear the griping pain

Finger marks stayed there

She hit me, then hit again

Someone saw her do it

And reported her and soon

I had to be here all the time

I see her most days – at noon’

 

‘My Mummy is not like that at all

She is very sweet and gentle

She is so intelligent that looking

After me just drives her mental

I heard her say she needs something

Called ‘rational adult talk’

So she just leaves me every day

Then drives happily to her work

Maybe there she is clever

But with me she’s not too bright

She doesn’t know how to stop me

When I test her through the night’

 

‘I do not have a daddy

My Mother had me on her own

She is kind and loves me

But needs money for a phone

To ring granny and her best friend

And my aunties Sue and Lizzy

They all say they love me

I see so many, my head is dizzy

I nearly know their faces

But I’m not sure where I live

As Mother will just take me

And to someone different give

 

‘I come from a wealthy family

Mummy thinks I am a guest

She doesn’t know about child rearing

‘It’s for those who must know best’

She reads books about psychology

And Fen Chui to name a few

I don’t think she knows me at all

But her mother she never knew

She doesn’t want a nanny

As she would clutter up the house

But if I could just stay at home

I would be quiet as any mouse’

 

‘I wish I was at home now

Where I could quietly sleep

There is just too much noise

And wide awake I keep

I have such a lovely bedroom

With a mobile made of wood

I have toys piled around my cot

And my soft teddy feels so good

My head aches with my cold

My chest hurts when I cough

Why can’t I just stay at home?

I am so little and life is tough’

 

‘I don’t know why I was born

A mother I will never be

Unless I can care for my baby

So she won’t have a life like me

I don’t recognise where I am

What if they forget to call

To pick me up to take me home?

I can’t find the way – at all

If a career is so important

Status, clothes and a new car

Why did my mother have me?

I’d be better not born, by far’

 

‘I took my first step today and

I said ‘Mama’- my first word

But the lady did not respond

As if she had never heard’

‘It’s because she is not your Mama

And has heard it all before                    

Others have taken ‘first steps’

There’s no excitement any more’

‘I’m sad my Mummy missed it

But why should I try to wait?

Until she comes and collects me

She went out – through that gate’

 

Many others shared their troubles

Talked of missed days of love

Discussed the deep black hole within

Some learned to rise above

Learned to cope by switching off

Their emotions one by one

Until, finally, like little robots

Pain and feeling had now gone

The emotions of a few remained

Some were angry, some were sad

They were confused as they knew

Most parents were not bad

 

So the children in the nursery

Shared their thoughts – in vain

No one knew what was going on

In each little person’s brain

Longing, loneliness, lost and sad

Felt in their body and their mind

A loving mother to a tiny child is

More important than all mankind

That role is usually taken on

With great pride and glowing joy

But greater needs soon appear

To usurp a baby – girl or boy

 

So – they presented smiling faces

As they knew that was the way

Hoped people would remain kind

As they learned they had to stay

‘Such a good child’, ‘Oh so sweet’

‘Yes, I am sure I’m doing right

The only problem that we’ve got

She will not sleep at night’                       

They cannot speak for themselves – so I speak on their behalf. I am not being critical – I am just imparting knowledge gained over many years.

If only people would listen  – it wouldn’t take rocket science to reorganize the present system – for the benefit of tiny tots and their parents.

A longer version of this article is on my website, TOPIC section and the poem will be in my future book in the series ‘Verses that mean a lot ‘ – called ‘Daily Life’. Read the poetry I have written to your children. I have written for and on behalf of children to and teenagers to continue my therapeutic work. Information for the three books is on my websites.

Copyright A Coatesworth (2009)